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There’s a topic that deserves discussion, but it seems no one is willing to address it.

I am here to talk about sex, enthusiastic consent, and sexual injuries.

Now, this blog post may trigger some of you as we are speaking about sex and consent; please turn back now if you aren’t ready.

Trigger Warning!

This is where I get personal; I mean it is a blog post after all.

There was a time when I was in a serious relationship, and during intimacy, I experienced unbearable pain. I often had to bite down on something or scream in agony. I consulted doctors and spoke to friends, family, and anyone I believed could offer assistance. Yet, my online searches yielded no answers. I recall someone suggesting that having my first child might resolve the issue. Amazingly, it did! It turned out not to be hormonal or related to any shedding process. It was quite astonishing.

I often pondered what it was that I “had” and how it seemingly disappeared, especially since childbirth was far from a pleasant experience.

Then that relationship came to an end, and while I was looking to date again, I occasionally browsed the internet to uncover what had transpired, fearing it might happen to me once more.

One day, I stumbled upon a Reddit thread discussing how this pain could result from micro tears and cuts caused by sexual assault. I initially dismissed the idea, but then I began to explore further. I came to the realization (and after consultation with medical professionals) that I never truly wanted to engage in sex during those times, that I never found pleasure in it, and that my natural lubrication was virtually absent. This explained why things changed after I had my son; my body finally had the opportunity to heal instead of being repeatedly harmed.

I recognized that I never truly gave enthusiastic consent. I might have agreed to have sex, but often it felt like I was doing it just to make him leave. I was young and naive, and I should have received better education on the concept of consent. HE TOO SHOULD HAVE BEEN EDUCATED ON CONSENT.

This is the first time I’m discussing this openly. It's essential for people to understand that sex should be pleasurable and never painful. Enthusiastic consent means that the individual not only agrees but also shows clear excitement about participating in the activity.

Reflecting on victim blaming, I recall being advised to have a glass of wine to help me relax. What a ridiculous notion. I remember my Pap test being so painful that I had to ask them to stop. When they resumed, they didn’t find anything, but I often wonder if the tearing was visible.

Locating peer-reviewed information on microtears online is quite challenging. It seems that this topic isn't receiving much attention in research. But perhaps that's understandable, given its association with trauma.

Later, I ventured into a brief yet intense relationship. I was scared. I dove into information provided by the vaginal guru Kim Anami among others and I was reborn. I still struggled at that time to feel what I knew I should be feeling and how I wanted sex to look for me. I came to understand that to achieve my desires, I had to embrace openness and create a sense of safety. Safety—a concept that was new to me. Everything else becomes secondary, as my journey was truly about learning, enjoying the experience, and personal growth as a sexual woman.

The only discomfort that should be experienced during intimacy is consensual, and it is essential that safety is prioritized by whoever is in control.

If you find yourself wondering whether your partner truly consented, the answer is likely that they did not. If you have to question it, I would bet that they weren't fully invested.

What I believe is that one of the most attractive qualities a person can possess is the ability to make a woman feel secure. So go and do that.

xoxo

Written by:

Victoria CG